Анна Карат - Learn to love. 30 tips how to live.

sex In recent years the mass media has been filled with a lot of sexual content. This has changed our younger and older girls. In the past it was shameful to be getting married being «not a girl» anymore. Nowadays the situation is quite the opposite. Girls are comfortable talking about it, even in public and even holding a microphone. Movies are made by men. Romantic novels are written by women under order of men. Books and newspapers are published by men. Men want to have sex, because nature told them to procreate. That is why men impose this desire on women.

Today, in any chick lit there is sex. And it is not just a half an hour simple bed scene. It lasts all night! The entire page is filled with orgasms that happen one after another until morning. I am not going to go into anatomic and scientific details here. I just want to say that it doesn’t happen this way in real life. It is just like with food. A human being can’t be eating sandwiches ten hours in a row. Nature made it this way that our hunger gets satisfied much faster than that. The same way our body is not meant to last ten hours of sexual intercourse. It is interesting though, that the word «sex» is used in our everyday life more often than words like «bread» or «water».

When I say that men have a different kind of sexual hunger, a lot of women get unhappy. They say that they also suffer without sex just like men do. Nature made men in charge of the population. In order for men not to be lazy nature gifted them with this agonizing (and sometimes literally painful) craving for sex. There is one very obvious difference between men and women when it comes to sex. Women can conceive a child without an orgasm, while men can’t. They should have an orgasm to ejaculate.

This urge to have an orgasm is a vital need for men. Women, no matter how passionate they are, can’t feel the same way. I am not saying that women don’t want to have an orgasm. All I am saying is that men need it a lot more. The urge is stronger and not the orgasm itself. I can compare it with a certain talent. All people are talented, but only very developed talents can actually control and move people to do something.

A sexual preference is a deeply subconscious thing. So when a man has picked a woman and that very woman has picked that very man, they both need to make sure that their sexual preference is supported. Sexual interest should be stirred up to avoid a change of roles in bed. There always should be «man-woman» roles in bed (not «father-mother» or «sister-brother»). I think that almost all cases of a divorce happen when one of the partners loses his or her sexual interest in the other partner. And it doesn’t matter what reasons partners will be naming. If a woman starts to yell at her children, her voice stops being arousing for her man. And that’s it! Don’t forget that you and your partner exchange energy even if you both are silent.

Men value smart women’s thoughts. These thoughts charge the air around us and we want thunder and lightning. If a woman wants to charm men around her, she should be energetic. In a woman everything should radiate energy, including her face. Here is an example. If you see several women singing pretty well, you still pay attention to the one who has an «alive» face and darts flirting glances.

Now let’s go back to sex. For a woman sex is a means of satisfaction and nothing more. For a man sex is a vital need. Satisfaction can be delayed while the vital need can’t. That is why we can see a man who wants sex no matter what moral values there are, and a woman who wants sex sort of lazily.

Question 26. He doesn’t want me. Why?

I have been married for eight years. In the last six months my husband has been refusing to have sex always explaining his unwillingness with some negative circumstances: it is too light or too hot, there are some strange smells or sounds in the room (only he can smell or hear them), he needs to work or there is not time, I am wearing something that he doesn’t like the feel of, etc. This started after I told him that I didn’t want to have this automatic and emotionless sex, always at the same time and in the same position. That having been said, he doesn’t have any problems with virility and he is not cheating on me. As a result, I have the role of the one who is asking for something and constantly being refused.

I don’t have any thoughts in my head other than to threaten him with finding a lover (at least a virtual one to begin with). I have heard that sometimes women use this technique quite effectively no matter how extreme it might be.

Answer. Sex is something very personal. People should be free when it comes to that. Your husband for some reason could give you only this «emotionless» kind of sex. You told him that you didn’t want that. However, he cannot give you anything else right now. That is why he decided to avoid it altogether. You need to think about reasons here and not about how to manipulate him and make matters worse. If you do scare him, it will not lead to more sensitive sex. Try to change yourself to make your husband admire you. Make your conversations with him desirable and addictive for him. Look at how much he works and sleeps. Maybe he is really exhausted. Then sex is indeed not a priority for him right now!

Question 27. Sex scares me.

I was once humiliated by a man during sex. Now I am afraid of men and I am afraid of sex too. What should I do?

Answer. You are transferring your resentment from a person onto a situation. You were hurt by a specific man. What you need to do is to learn how to recognize people like that right away. This should be your goal. Sex is not important in this situation. If you were offended by a massage therapist, would you become afraid of massage in general?

Question 28. What if he has problems in the bedroom?

My significant other sometimes fails to achieve an orgasm. I comfort him and tell him that it is alright. Yet I see that he is becoming withdrawn.

Answer. It is very likely that your significant other is worried about his problems with sex. The more failures he has, the more often he can think that it might be different with a different woman. He probably is busy searching for somebody new. You want to comfort him and so you tell him that sex is wonderful. Of course he doesn’t believe you! In this situation, if a man really means a lot to you, I would be telling him that sex is not that important. Being together is what’s important.

Question 29. He doesn’t want to be having sex all night long. Is it normal?

My boyfriend became my husband and now he doesn’t want to have sex all night with a lot of passion. It doesn’t really bother me, but my friends tell me that it should. What do you think about it?

Answer. I think that frequent sex «all night with a lot of passion» is an image created by books and movies. In real life emotions and passion like that are impossible. It would exhaust you. It is not a normal situation. Women often want to experience feelings like that because they themselves have so much energy. Try and direct this energy in a different sphere of your life, for example, your career or something creative.

Chapter 12. What does he expect from sex?

Two thirds of a man’s love is based on sex. They like it when their wives think about sex and even plan it. The point is not in sex itself. The point is in the interest in sex. What woman is good in bed? Any woman you see any where: on a train, in a park, in a café, etc. It is a woman who can give the necessary emotions. A man sometimes needs passion in bed, sometimes – tenderness and always – comfort. He often needs sex instead of sleeping pills.

Sex for men is a vital need, for women it is almost always a pleasure. Here --">